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The enigmatic and world famous celebrity Geoff Keighley shocked the world last week as he ripped a cryptic tweet into the ether. Exposing a hellish statue and teasing viewers with a thinly veiled humble brag about his thick and inspiring manhood that we all strive to match.

The tweet depressed me. Not only am I a wagey slavey, who was not able to travel to the Sahara. To stand and view the statue with other fellow gamers. I was also reminded that I certainly don’t have the regal and thick manhood that Geoff was flaunting so carelessly on Twitter.com to impressionable young men like me. As I detached the 4 pound weight from my hanging ballsack, a measure I created to stretch it super long, I sulked into the bathroom to look closer at this slop of a man I had become. Who am I if I can’t see the Geoff portal? Why is there an alligator on the Geoff portal? Where do alligators come from?

Questions swirled through my mind as I filled my daily GLP syringe with the required 99 mL I needed to start my day. Injecting it into the fatty part of my leg and wincing as pain shook through me. If Geoff was gonna tease me I had no choice. Semaglutide now coursing through me. I dug through the cans and pringle tins under my bed until I uncovered my prized six shooter. Dusting the crumbs off of it, I rolled out the chamber, 5 shots left. “1 for Geoff and 4 for the alligator” I thought to myself. I recalled my time with the 6th bullet. How it impacted that Alligator's head. It was amazing, until the woman I had saved from being eaten started to shout at me about shooting her dog. I would have been in shock too if I let an alligator get that close to me.

My fantasy was interrupted though as a Twitter.com notification blew into my airpod implants. Just as I thought, the statue had moved. This time, the top of the empire state building. It burned red like a hot cheeto. I knew this move, the statue was off his leash. Geoff thought he could split his priorities between the mayor of New York and Game Awardist, but now he had no time to properly care for this statue. It had escaped the desert with an alligator in tow.

AP news reported no casualties that day. But the statue sat for a week. Stopping briefly in Toronto and eating an entire Tim HortonsTM. A fitting offering for the statue. Yet we were still so far from understanding what it wanted or represented. Today we had our answer as the statue moved to its final resting place. Los Angeles, California, the big apple. Needless to say, the rest is history. Crowds cheered as Geoff arrived on the scene to secure the situation, so they thought. But the crowds would hush as one by one Geoff's belt, his pants, his undies (yellow btw), fell to the ground exposing it. Regal.inspiring.thickness. It became clear to me in my basement what would happen next. Geoff rose to meet his manhood to the eye of the monolith, absorbing the red light. Could it sincerely be that Geoff summoned a hell portal to this beautiful city just to get red light therapy on his balls? BBC and AP News say yes but eye witness accounts add more to the story.

One witness to the event, Jerry Maguire Sr. insists that after Geoff had settled back on the ground, the statue's tendrils indiscriminately started grabbing people. Forcing them into its red all seeing eye. “They took Jerry Maguire Jr.”, Sobbed Jerry Maguire Sr. Clearly distraught from the loss of his son, an up and coming sports agent who had finally gotten his big break. Testimony accounts for seven lost souls who are likely now rotting and burning in the depths of Hell.

When pulled for comment, living deity and game award host Geoff had this to say. “My balls are red like fire now brought to you by avatar fire and ash the video game coming 2034.” Geoff was last seen on the moon contemplating his new purpose as a god with red balls.